Tolkien and the Land of Mord

Tolkien and the Land of Mord

      by Brith Neath (Nasalitis) Big Daddy                                

      Douggie Doggie Doo

when you sing a happy song

and all creation sings along

don't forget to thank the lord

for giving you your brand new ford

beating plowshare into sword

helping you across the word

all the beauties of a fiord

gross indecency with gord

coinage from the days of yore

tolkien and the land of mord

shelter and for room and board

Singing has always struck a chord with me. I am now the choirmaster of the Virginia State University Select Madrigal Octet. We tour in America, sing in venues as large as Maple Leaf Gardens and as small as individual churches. The affairs at which we perform range from full-fledged concerts to picnics in the park.

      I grew up singing. I sang in church as a preschooler, in elementary school under the direction of Mrs. Swearhouse, in high school with Mr. John H. Astor, at the University of Windor under the fine hands of Sir Patrick Lrase, and finally, for many years now, with the Sangerfåst Singers of Lourds who practice each Tuesday and perform in St. Paul's the last Sunday of every month. I am a contralto tenor with what has been called an exceptional range. My forté is Brahms, I like to think, but seldom do I get the chance to actually sing his fine works. I am . . . well, my age hardly matters . . . and my voice seems to be improving still. This is one of the wonders of singing. Age does not detract but enhances performance.

      My madrigal group is an odd assortment. The oldest member, Mrs. Clementine Janitor, sings alto with a berry-like essence remarked on frequently by those who cover our performances. She sweetens the otherwise dour tones required by madrigals. Her height is of no concern to anyone and our appearance on stage less important by far than the effect of the music we gift to our audiences. Mariadni Jocelyn Jonesfeel, at eighteen the youngest member of our ensemble, sings soporano with a vigor and a blossoming strength to shake the fruit off the tree. We no less than she love to watch her perform. We catch ourselves losing our places at times listening to the sauverinity of her notes. Usually with lips made bright and dark hair, and in a translucent dress of white, and shoes of ruby red, she stands with perfect poise, tall and erect, before her audiences and sings of gods, of war, of love, and of, I blush to speak of it, lust and longing. She does so deliberately to intrigue her audience.

      The third member I will mention, the middle-aged Jacks Johanson, deserves a lengthy introduction. He died at the hospital when he was born but was revived and now lives in the inner city with his mother. She provides for him and helps him with his toilette. She cooks, bakes, washes, cleans, and in every way actively engages herself in making Jacks's life easy enough to allow him to continue providing the bass lines for our lovely songs.

      He seems to have died twice, once as I mentioned and another time when he fell out of a car door at high speed, although the latter has never been corroborated and he refuses to speak of it if someone unwittingly introduces the subject. Jacks's is not a handsome face as handsome goes. He sports a shaggy head of tan hair. His eyes are set one close to his nose and the other far from it. His digit, I am told, is enormous, and active at the most unusual times. His ears are very small with no lobs as far as I can tell. His hands are smaller still, with pencil-thin fingers. His shoulders, on the other hand, are massive, bending forward with the strength and width of a shelf of rock. Sadly, having extra thin legs and pelvis, he struggles with balance and more than once has fallen into the front row seats before anyone can reach out to support him. He wears size twenty-one shoes and his upper arms bulge from sheer strength and contained energy. He sings well, too, and we are all glad that he is still with the group.

      I am the oldest member. I make all the arrangements for travel and accommodation and I, too, attempt to save the group money by having as many of us share a single room as possible. We will be in Albuquerque this month performing for the president's cup there. I look forward immensely to the challenge.