Square Off

Square Off

       by Big Ducat Dougie Duvet

Wilber and Piccadilly squared off over the girl. She officiated. She had started it. They fought in the Pavilion. Outside it was too cold and snowy. She wore a dress with a red cardigan over it. Wilber sported new running shoes of which he felt a bit smug. Pic divested himself of his t-shirt. He always wore t-shirts. They would take one blow each. Then, if they both still stood they'd each take another. And so on until one of them fell. I know this because I am Wilber's attorney. I have here before me the notes I made the day Wilber came to lay the complaint. As plaintive he deserves my support, but in fact I tend to believe Piccadilly's side of the story. 

       Ivy said go, they drew lots, Piccadilly struck first, a great blow on the top of Wilber's head. He fell like a log and never regained consciousness. He claims never to have regained consciousness. When he spoke to me he apologized for his inexactness. I wrote down what he said and read it back to him. He said it was different than that but it would have to do. Piccadilly stands six foot eleven inches and weighs two hundred and eighty-seven pounds. I keep my scale handy in case events require me to make judgments about a client based on his or her weight. Wilber tops the scale at one hundred thirteen pounds seven ounces. He smokes, drinks beer, speaks often of starting an exercise program one day and suffers from a bad cough that he cannot shake. The girl has a very pretty face. At two hundred and forty-three pounds, and six foot four in her stocking feet, she has caused many a man's heart to skip a beat.

        She proposed the fight and then, when Piccadilly had won, she walked over to him and dealt him such a blow to his nose that he fell over backward and lay there unconscious. Now they all live together. They stand a better chance of resolving issues that way. They don't have to wait for a convenient hour to speak but, unemployed all, and living on welfare, may take their jolly time to articulate their reasons and complaints any time of day, day or night.