Examining Ourselves from Behind

Examining Ourselves from Behind

      by Kindly Dougie McDonald

everyman

aphoric his state of mind

alliterative his mien

qualifying all

even that endless question of

judgement as the real

if judgement is the real

then all is flux

and Being has no home

Lorenzo Smith had been contemplating the way his daughter loved her daughter. He knew that she loved her dearly. She loved her so much that she could not abide having her disobey and be mischievous. And she mischiefed, that little girl, never doubt that for a minute. The temptation for his daughter, Lorenzo thought, was to teach the little one to be good by telling her what to do and expecting her to follow these instructions immediately. Swift punishment of sharp tongue and precipitous placement in isolation in her room followed hard on any resistance to her mother's requests. Now, Lorenzo knew that the odd outbreak of telling and requiring, as well as the occasional confinement in a room by herself, would do the child no harm. But he also knew that implacable authority caused lasting anger in children. He considered that he had learned much by raising his own daughter, and now by watching her raise hers. He had a few thoughts one morning about the matter and decided to jot them down. 

       It just so happened that he was due that very hour for a rectal examination by his doctor Susan Cracks and he did not look forward to this event. In fact, he felt that he might just decide against going and pretend that he'd forgotten the appointment. He got up and wrote these ideas down. He felt inadequate to say anything about children to a mother who loved her child so much. But in the end he did record these following precepts and meant to give them to her soon. 

Mischief kids grow out of

Anger they don't

Control isn't everything 

It's cracked up to be

Teach a child how to love

And you teach a child how to love

The fertilizer of control

Breeds hate and anger

Love: a product of giving in

We tend to control our firstborns

Give a kid a chance

Make love more important 

Than behaviour

We control because we are afraid for them

Then they control because they are afraid of us

I would rather have a naughty child now

Than a naughty adult later

Gentleness and kind talk 

Gets us just as far as authority

It feels like authority is the only way

Giving up authority is another and better way

Though a harder one

A child learns to love to the degree

That a parent learns to give up control

The best step taken is sometimes a step backwards

Sometimes we do in the name of instruction

What we actually do because we are tired

"Talk to your kid," said the lord

Lorenzo knew that he had some authority In these matters since he had himself learned (by accident, having sired a thoroughly single-minded daughter whom, it goes without saying, he loved to distraction) by growing his own. He had learned in addition by observing parents around him, seeing how they inevitably wished to channel their offspring's behaviour and correct it, thinking that that was a most important thing to do during these early formative years.

       He, Lorenzo, knew in his heart though, and had known when he raised his children, that that desire to make your children behave and follow a certain path meant that they did not get to choose their own path. This not choosing their own path meant that they could not learn to see their own value. Not seeing their own value meant that they learned to hate themselves (rather than hate their own parents whom children will love no matter what these parents do). Hating themselves, they grew angry and could not in the end relate to the parent who had loved them by controlling them. All too often he had seen this scenario played out and his heart ached for the little ones. His heart ached for the little granddaughter who was of his own blood. 

        Lorenzo did not want to go through with the rectal exam, but in the end, on impulse, he up and drove down to see Dr. Cracks. She bent him over, she spoke kindly to him, she penetrated his bum, and she declared the whole thing a success, including his health. So, everybody wins, Lorenzo thought, as he drove home in his red Mazda truck.