Lucy Maude Montgomery's Redress

Lucy Maude Montgomery's Redress

       by Little Dempsey Douglas Leigh

fight if you must.

but don't be afraid

in god we trust

expect getting laid.

if ever you're in a

rough spot with a maid.

give er your best,

no regrets that you played.

lucy maude montgomery lived life to the full

she did things like visit a grand tractor pull

she blessed birds and fishes when they would swim by

though in straightened times she would let curses fly

now lucy you don't know was quite raving gay

she looked for alliances all on life's way

with both girls and with women she spent time in bed

denouncing in daytime what people had said

she asked only comfort from those who passed by

unless you were male then "get lost and good-by"

once when she went walking along a post road

a dog up and nipped her on her nether clod

she got sick and died then a year after that

but in her last months she made use of her

she was not diseased that is known for a fact

she held up her end of the lesbian pact

once in a great tryst while three ladies stood near

she played with another and made eyes at her rear

they say she is resting in heaven above

they say too this femin was never in love

do not you believe everything that is said

take asprin take whiskey and get back in bed

don't fight when you're angry

don't fight when you're sad

don't fight if you're sick

and naught's nis worth a tad

be cautious of filling

your void with a fling

the woman will get you

and make you sing sing

refuse to be given

a problem to solve

though it may be tempting

give up playing golf

if ever you're by here

stop in for a beer

the fridge runs as coldly

as it did last year

nixon dixy was a putz

nixon raised two kinds of ducks

mrs dixy called him daft

she was not that great herself

put up if you think that you must

but remember him we trust

he will all your sorrows share

don't put devil to dare

when i smoked weed as willie does

i thought i had is cut from was

but now that i have stopped that vice

i treat the world most quaint and nice

the other day a friend asked for

a key to get in my front door

when i'm not home
                                  i gave him one

and then he started having fun

he got in when i'd gone away

and asked my wife if she would play

at doctor and at nurse with him

she smiled and said it was a sin

but not for long she got caught up

in the whole thing and nup

tuals be damned she said

my friend progressed to other things

and now i have no wedding rings

i have no car i have no dog

i have no girlfriend i'm a log

so if you think you've got a line

on what is good and fair you're lying

Some people, especially the rich and privileged, must have scads of relatives they've never seen, I would think. I am a singer, who plays guitar in the style of Smiley from Reno and Smiley. My stage name is Jammin' Uncle Benjamin and I get a kick out of the crowd's laughter when I am announced. I am slightly overweight and you should know that I have a fondness for ice cream and bananas. Each night my good wife, Enid, makes me a bowl of it and I eat it down. That is, after my practice or after a gig. I seldom go to bed without some of that precious dessert. Enid thinks that I'm getting a bit thick in the waist, but lord knows that most guitar players in their sixties tend to be a tad paunchy. It helps hold up the guitar, you know, a nice round midriff does. Enid, now, has not got an ounce of fat on her, so to speak. She looks as trim as the day I met her fourteen years ago. She was thirteen and eloped with me and married me and we have lived together ever after. Sure, a few hard times in the early years, because at thirteen an individual does not know her mind. Well, she knows it, but does not wish to admit that someone else may know it, too. She was awful willful in those days. A good-looking, sassy thing whose parents had spoiled her rotten. She was crazy about my music, though, and that was why she stuck with me. I love her very much still, though I must admit that worry about other men has knocked the wind out of me more than once. Well, I was going to say that her relatives come to call now about once a year. Not all of them at the same time, of course. No, a brother-in-law will come with his wife and family, or a nephew a half year later. And then an uncle and aunt will appear the following summer and stay a week. It's odd how those mountain folk are. I grew up in the Pembina Hills, Manitoba, and she is from Tennessee. Back in the hills, she likes to say.The folk who show up here to check on her are an odd breed. They're taciturn, tough, silent types, the men. The women are quite different.